The unknown light

The trip to the sea

We had gone out fishing as we did every day. We were my brother John, our friend Helmut and me. They call me Jo from Johanna. We earn our money with it and got along so quite well. We live in a small fishing village and it felt like everyone there knew each other well. My friend Emelie also used to go out on a fishing boat and we enjoyed it very much, although it was hard work.

The weather was very nice that day, but you could see that there were clouds in the sky further back. So we went out to sea in our little fishing boat. We hoped to be the first at the spot where most of the fish were caught. We weren't as early as usual today because I wanted to take something special with me, so we were a little later than usual. But it looked like the other fishermen hadn't set out yet. This surprised us a bit, but didn't stop us from going out. When we left the small harbor the sun was just rising and it was shining in its most beautiful colors. The red of the sun glittered on the water and seagulls could be heard flying over our boat. This time is always the most beautiful and each of us then knows again why we are so fond of the water. And so we went out on the sea. We went a little slow and that's why the boat belonging to the Tracht family, on which my friend Emelie was, overtook us. They went through the sunrise and it looked beautiful. Helmut said: God has done this wonderfully!

We now had to hurry a bit to get to where we wanted to go, because that was exactly where the other boat wanted to go. Everyone knew that this is where the most fish are. So off we went. We tried to catch up with the other boat, which we succeeded in doing at the beginning, then they were faster than us again. This time we lost the race and had to give priority to the Tracht family. They were casting their nets when we arrived. Emelie called out to me, "Not asleep yet? You were a little slow." I just shrugged my shoulders, because we also wanted to cast our nets now. Helmut waved at her. I always thought the two of them would get married someday, but then Emelie had married Sam, who worked with them on the boat.

Both boats were now sailing side by side with some distance and at the same speed. There were not so many fish that we had caught that day. So we cast the nets once again. The Tracht family had caught more fish and they headed back to the harbor.

The storm

We saw that the clouds were now slowly moving toward us and getting more and more, wind was starting to come up and John said, "Let's haul in the nets and head home before the storm hits us." Helmut flatted in my direction, "We should have gotten up earlier, we would have had the better spot." John countered, "We had the better spot, but the fish didn't know that." We headed toward home always one looking back at what was brewing and one looking forward to when the harbor would finally be visible. We felt like we weren't really making any progress and the storm was slowly approaching. The surprise I had taken with me was forgotten. Nobody thought more of it also I not.

It now slowly began to rain, we were used to that, also the wind, which now slowly reached us, we were used to. We had to hurry, that was clear to all three of us. The weather became worse and worse, the rain pelted on the roof of the bridge and the wind let our boat rock more and more back and forth like a nutshell. We had stowed everything as far as possible and hoped that everything remained intact. We had experienced such a storm before and hoped to see lights from the harbor soon. But still nothing. Somehow everyone had the feeling that we had to hurry. We kept silent. Nobody dared to say anything, not even Helmut, who had a saying on his lips in every situation.

There was still no light to be seen, no wonder in the weather, but we hoped that they would light a lamp for us so that we would go the right way. Slowly we became more and more restless and John started praying out loud, this calmed us down a bit. Each of us did it quietly for ourselves in such a situation.

Some time passed and we became more and more restless. The waves were rocking us back and forth quite a bit. The engine was doing its best and we heard that. Still no light. Every second felt almost like an hour for each of us. But then, finally we could see a little light and we were thankful to God for that. We rejoiced, knowing now that we were on the right path and would soon be home. Every bit that we drove on and the light became bigger we hoped to be there soon. And so it was. Finally we were in the harbor. Only the boat moor and then home in front of the warm fireplace.

But when I threw the line to Helmut, the wind caught me and I landed in the water. Now I fought with the water, not to go under and not to get between boat and jetty. I paddled with all my might not to go under. Shouting didn't help, the wind was so loud that no one would have heard me. I fought for my life. Again and again came a wave that made me sink again. I struggled, help, the boat, help, another wave. I had the feeling I was sinking and no one saw me. But Helmut had seen it and threw me the life ring. I had problems to reach him. Again a wave separated me from the life ring, I tried to swim towards it, but I had the feeling that I was not getting any closer. Finally I made it. Helmut pulled as well as he could, but he couldn't make it alone. At least he helped me not to sink anymore. Thank God John had noticed and the two of them pulled me ashore piece by piece. We were at our wits' end and called for help. Despite the storm, the villagers had heard us and came to our aid. They took us home and put me to bed. My mother immediately called the doctor, who also came right away and only stated that everything was okay, nothing was broken, lungs and heart were also not affected. "You were very lucky," he said and left. No, God was taking care of me. But I could only whisper that and immediately fell asleep.

Jo's recovery

How long I slept I did not know. When I woke up everything hurt. The sun was shining in my window and I heard voices outside the door. They sounded very worried. My mother quietly entered the room. When she saw that I was awake, she was very happy and sat down on the bed with me. "Well, finally you are awake, we were getting very worried and had called Dr. Longes again to come and check on you. Might as well have him examine you properly since you're awake." I looked at my mother seriously and asked her, "How long have I been asleep?". She answered 2 ½ days and you talked a lot during that time and uncovered often.

The doctor examined me and again found that everything was fine. So I slowly sat down at the edge of the bed and realized: all right? Nothing was all right! Everything hurt me, every movement hurt. Every muscle could be felt and hurt with the slightest movement. Ouch, ouch, I groaned as I sat down. Only painkillers and exercise would help. With that remark, Dr. Longes left and gave my mother a prescription. I slowly lay back down and tried to move as little as possible while doing so, which was not easy. My mother got me the pain medication. It took a while until they helped and then I fell asleep again. I was so hungry and thirsty that I woke up again, but this time after 2 hours. My mother had cooked me a soup and brought a bowl full to my room. I slowly straightened up and ate some of the soup. It tasted delicious, but I only got a little of it down. I tried to sit on the edge of the bed again, this time it didn't hurt as much, but I just about managed it and was glad when I was lying in bed again this time. It will be alright, my mother said and sat down at my bedside, which she apparently did all the time, because she had put something to read and a chair at my bedside.

In the next days I tried to get out of bed again and again, I moved my arms and legs as good as I could and it got better and better from day to day. When I came downstairs for breakfast after a week, everyone was happy and I enjoyed being with my family. After 4 weeks I tried to walk a short distance again, it was only a few steps but it made me happy. Every day I tried that it became more. John was happy and kept telling me that I could come back on the boat tomorrow because I was feeling better and they needed my help.

Back on the boot again

I had always avoided the beach when I was running, and that's how I met Emelie in the village. I was very surprised that she didn't go to the sea with me, because she loved it as much as I did. She said, "I'm pregnant and I'm not allowed to go. It's too risky for me and the baby." I was happy because now we could meet and talk more often. We thought about what name the child could have, but every name had something that we didn't like so much.

So the days passed with me walking with Emelie and exercising to make me feel better. Emelie asked me one day, "Don't you want to go on the boat again? You love it as much as I do. Don't you miss it at all?" I started to push around and just said that I wasn't fit enough for it yet and that I would only get in the way of the others. It just takes time. That settled the issue for a while, I thought, and Emelie stopped asking me for the time being. When I got home and we were having dinner together John asked me if I could come back on the boat, they needed me and I was fit again as it looked. I only denied and said that I would be a burden to you at the moment. John did not ask further. When we sat together again for dinner a few days later, John asked again. This time he asked if I didn't want to come on the boat tomorrow. I don't have to go out, but at least on the boat. Again I declined and was glad that I had an appointment with Dr. Longes tomorrow, who wanted to see me again. The next evening John asked again and he said this time very firmly: "We need you on the boat and therefore you come tomorrow at 07:00 o'clock with the boat, without rerede!" And he left me like that. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and hoped that there was something so that I didn't have to go out on the boat with him. I went to my room and tried to push the thought away: Tomorrow on the boat! Tomorrow on the boat! It was getting louder and louder in my head. The thought wouldn't let me go. At some point in the middle of the night I finally fell asleep. But when I fell asleep, the images of the accident were there again and I woke up in a cold sweat. My mother even came in and asked if I was okay. "No," I said, "Can you excuse me to John? I can't make it." At that, I tried to smile at her. She sat with me for a while until I fell asleep again. This time I was able to sleep a little better and hoped John didn't take me. When I woke up John was already on his way with the boat. I was very relieved about that. The subject of the boat was settled for a while. No one spoke to me about it and every time someone came to talk about the boat I tried to change the subject or left the room. So I managed that some time had passed again without talking to anyone about the boat or about the beach.

We were sitting at supper again and I realized something was up. Everyone kept looking at each other so strangely. Today Helmut was also with us, that was nothing special, because he often ate with us. When we were done John said to me, "So, we're going to go to the boat together now, so you can at least find your way there again!" He grabbed me by the hand and pulled me along. I went along, but didn't know what to say or do. Everything was slowly spinning inside me and all I could think about was the boat. John walked in front of me and Helmut and my mother behind me. So we made some progress and almost made it to the jetty. But then I pulled my hand away with a jerk and ran home between my mother and Helmut. I ran up to my room and threw myself on my bed crying. The others slowly followed and found me in my room. John said, "Emelie was right, you are afraid to go back on the boat and go out to sea with us. I had told her that you love the sea too much and that's why I don't believe it. But every time we talked about it you changed the subject or left the room. This was starting to seem strange to me too and we just had to try it out to see how you would react if we took you to the boat. Emelie was right after all. Now I know it too. I think you still need some time until you dare to go on the boat again, but finally do something against this fear, because fear is not good when it dominates our lives!"

What to do?

He was right, I always didn't want to believe it. But now it was also clear to me and I had to do something against this fear. But what? How could I get rid of this fear? What could I do? I had prayed a time or two that God would help me get back on the boat, but I had the feeling that nothing was happening. No change, no progress. Only that it was now very clear to the others and also to me that I was very afraid of the boat.

The next day I went to talk to Emelie and we met in a coffee shop far from the harbor and the beach. Emelie didn't want to go there because she missed going to the sea and I didn't want to see the boat or the water.

"Thank you, Emelie, for talking to John. I hadn't wanted to admit it myself, that I was afraid to go to the boat again." Emelie said, "I didn't notice it at first either, I thought, well, you'll be fine when you're better. But I didn't think you would be so scared. I spoke to John and he said: I'll just take her to the boat tonight and then we'll see. I think she will be happy and come with me to the boat, because she loves that. I thought so too and I was quite amazed when I saw you running off the beach." Jo: "Yes, I have to do something to make it different again, but I don't know what or how? Of course I asked God to help me, but so far nothing much has happened."

Emelie exclaimed, "Not much has happened? We finally figured it out because you wouldn't have talked to us about how you were doing. Yet you know you could have talked to me about it too. How about we tackle the problem together and figure out how to get this fear out of your life with God's help. It would be a shame if you and I didn't go out to sea together again."

We then talked together for a while and thought about what we could do and in the end asked God to help us find a way to get rid of the fear. Because fear is never good in life, no matter what.

The beginning

The next morning I went to Emelie for breakfast to tackle the problem together. We thought about what we could do. Had God told any of us what? Unfortunately, we couldn't think of much, so we picked up the Bible. We read some Bible passages, about trusting God with all our heart and not our mind, if we think of Him in everything we do, God will show us the right way. And also command the Lord your ways, for he careth for you.

We then determined that we would walk towards the beach every day for a week and see how I was doing and how far we would get. We hoped to get a little further towards the beach each day. The first day was frustrating because we didn't make it very far, we didn't even reach the dunes.

On the second day, I thought to myself: this time I'll make it a little further. But fiddlesticks, this time it was even a few steps less. Knowing where we were going made me turn around again and again. The third day. To get at least as far as the first day, that was my goal this time. Just don't show any weakness, it must go forward. Close your eyes and ... But not through, because it didn't quite work out. Again not as far as on the first day. Well, we thought, it's only the beginning. The next day was a success. We made it this time 5 steps further than on the first day. But the next days were worse again and Emelie said: "I'm starting to worry because it's not getting any better. We have to do something different. Let's think again what we can do differently."

So we did, first each on our own and then together. Everyone looked in the Bible to see if there was a word from God that could help us. Everyone made suggestions. Suggestions like: Take someone else with me or take me to the beach blindfolded. But nothing fit and we tried to continue like this, trusting in God to help us.

We met again the next morning, highly motivated and we were so happy that we started singing songs. Songs that gave glory to God and as we walked towards the beach singing, we didn't realize how far we had come. Much further than usual. When we stretched we could even see the water and we could hear the waves crashing on the beach. We were both amazed, but turned around and went back and were thrilled at how well it had worked out today. We were thrilled with God for helping us along and went back happily singing, full of thanks.

The next day Emelie had her cell phone with some songs on it and we sang to God's glory the whole time. This time we made it to the same place as the day before and we were happy about it and thankful to God.

The next few days, however, we only ever made it to the same place. Though thankful how far, but again we didn't know what to do. Give up? No, by no means. It was time again to sit down together and think with God's word, what can we do differently, how can God help us further. I said to Emelie, "Let's take a break for 2 days, maybe that will help. I notice how it keeps getting tiring and I'd like to turn back early." Emelie: "Well, let's take a break for 2 days. Let's start with a picnic at the place where it's ok for you. Not as far as we came, but a little closer to the village."

So we did and we found the time nicer than trying to get to the beach. I must also admit that we had our picnic almost in the village. But it relaxed me and so the days did us good because it turned into a week. Then Emelie said, "Let's go back a little closer to the beach, because we're not going to get anywhere like this." She had to persuade me quite a bit, but she was right and the next day we at least went to the path to the beach.

It was exhausting for both of us. But we kept going, because giving up was out of the question. No, why should we. Because with God on our side we will make it, we trusted in that. So a few days passed again, but we didn't make much progress. But that didn't bother us, because we had said that we would take the time that I needed. Slowly, however, it became difficult for Emelie to walk the path, because the date of the birth was getting closer and closer and so we only met for short walks.

Hello Mirjam

One morning Sam greeted me whistling happily and full of joy he said: "It's a girl, they are both doing well, it was a bit difficult but they both made it. Her name is Mirjam and she is beautiful like her mother. You can go and see her this afternoon at the hospital. I have to sleep now, if I can."

He looked very tired but also happy.

Where my way led I didn't know should I go home or alone to the beach? No, I didn't dare and went home. I visited Emelie and Mirjam in the afternoon and Sam was right she looked sweet, like her mother, but a little bit like Sam too. "If everything goes well we can go home tomorrow. If you like you can help me a little. Will you pick me up tomorrow?" said Emelie. "Yes, with pleasure, does Sam have to go to sea again?" said I. Emelie: "Yes, there are three of us now and I can't go to sea with you and the two of them realize that. Helmut and John miss you too. Unfortunately, we didn't get very far. I'm sorry. But now we can try to go on again with the stroller." Yes, I meant. But it sounded more like resignation than let's keep going. At the moment, I wasn't motivated.

When I picked Emelie up the next day, I noticed that she needed some more time to go to the beach with me. I was relieved about that, because I could help her and didn't have to think about my problem anymore. I was grateful to God for this break.

Remember – Light

Since the accident it was that I sometimes could not sleep at night. Every now and then the waves, the wind and the boat would come back in my dreams and I would wake up and be glad to be in my bed. I would then turn on the light, look around the room to direct my thoughts to something else. When I then turned the light off again to go back to sleep, this didn't always work. And this time I couldn't go back to sleep either, because the boat and the accident kept coming back whenever I tried to fall asleep. So, as always in this situation, I went to the window to get some fresh air and looked out. It was very pleasant. A starry night. So I left the window open and lay back down. I could see the stars out of the window.

When I fell asleep again, I dreamed again of the day the accident happened. I saw the clouds, the storm that was slowly brewing and that we were trying to get back to port as quickly as possible, that we were looking for a light that would take us home. And then all of a sudden I saw the light we were heading towards, had never remembered it otherwise. As if I saw it for the first time, it shone brightly and did good to see it. That light did me so much good, just like on the barge when the storm was raging around us.

This time I woke up right after and wondered where that light came from. It couldn't have been the lighthouse and the village. What was it then? I asked myself. Where did this light come from? We had gone home to the harbor so many times in the evening and had not seen this light, only that evening it caught our eye. Since I had become curious about this light and couldn't fall asleep anyway, I went to the window again and looked out. The lights from the village and the lighthouse were clearly visible. But the other light? I tried to discover something. But in which direction, how should I know where this light came from. I did not know it so I tried to find out if somewhere so or a similar light was to be seen. Unfortunately, nothing was to be discovered. Nothing? But there was a light that could be, but it was much smaller and much too far away from the harbor and the village. Where was this light coming from?

I got dressed and went out into the street. Unfortunately, I could no longer see the light here. Now I just had to remember from which direction this light came. Somewhere behind the village, I had seen it from my room. So I tried to go in that direction. Since I hadn't looked at the clock when I started walking, I was surprised that it was already getting light. So I could forget my intention, because the light was surely off now. I went back home and decided to go out again tonight to look for the light. After the light that had brought us home.

Looking out

My mother was not surprised when I came into the house and said to her, "I'm going to lie down again, I'm still tired." She knew that I had not been able to sleep well since the accident, so I lay down again in the morning.

Later I got up and after breakfast I visited Emelie again and went home at the same time as usual. Tonight I was going to look for the light and try to find it. I really wanted to know where it came from and why it was glowing. No one was surprised when I went to bed earlier than usual. I wanted to look for the light as long as possible. When it finally got dark I looked out the window from time to time to see if I could see the light. I lay down in between and then got up again, but there was nothing to see. At least not as long as I looked out of the window and since I was tired I fell asleep at some point and woke up only when the sun shone into my window. Too bad, I thought and got up.

Again I visited Emelie and the baby and then went home again. So some days and nights passed, but I had not seen the light again. It was a pity, because I wanted to know where it came from and why it burned only from time to time?

On this day I went to Emelie as usual, but this time I had resolved, after I left Emelie, to think about in which direction I had to go to discover the light.

So in the evening I tried to remember from which direction the light came and walked around some street corners. I tried to avoid going to the beach, which was not easy, because somehow every path I walked leads to the beach.

Since it was light and I did not know where to go further I went home. This time too tired to do anything in the evening. When I woke up in the morning it was still dark and I got up to look out the window. This time the light was on and I could see it. I tried to orient myself a little bit so that I knew approximately where I should go during the day. Today, after visiting Emelie, I wanted to try to go in that direction again so that I would know where to go in the evening. When I was at Emelie's she was surprised that I wanted to leave so quickly. She said, "Go ahead, we're doing fine on our own now, and you seem to have something on your mind." I fought back, because I didn't want to tell her about what I was up to tonight, because otherwise I would have made Emelie curious too.

Tonight I wanted to get at least a little closer to the light. When I finally went to my room in the evening and it got dark I could see the light well this time and I quietly left the house without waking anyone. No one had heard me. Now again in the direction of Emelie and then it went over the market place. So far I had been able to orient myself. But where to then? Was there something from where one could see the light? I couldn't climb on the monument and the bench in front of it was too low. So I continued to search. How could I see the light from here? I remembered that we have a folding chair in the garage and maybe I could put it on the bench. But to do this on this night... But today I could see the light yes, so home and get the chair. I found the chair and walked briskly to the marketplace. But here slowly passed the people who went to work early and I went home again. I was strange enough as it was, then I didn't have to be discovered sitting on the chair on the bench as well. So home again.

Ask questions

I was a little tired when I got up today, but I wanted to see Emelie and the little one. Today we were going to take a walk, go to the village and maybe have an ice cream. I was looking forward to that. Emelie said I was really looking forward to it, finally going out among the people again and not just a little round around the house. Today a little longer. The times when Mirjam slept we knew slowly and therefore we could dare it. The time with Emelie did not pass as fast as I had thought. Since she was tired she didn't notice that I left a little earlier than usual.

Tonight, unfortunately, the light was not to be seen. But I couldn't tell when it was on and when it wasn't either. Maybe John knew something about it, but if I asked him he would get suspicious. It had to be clever, inconspicuous. So I thought about how I could do it, maybe just talk to him about the evening? No, that was too conspicuous, because he knew that I avoid the subject as much as possible. Maybe I can ask a question when he talks to Helmut about it. Just ask if either of them have seen the light before. It's not very inconspicuous either, but I couldn't think of anything better at the moment. I could also ask Emelie about the light, they were outside often enough and could have seen the light.

The next morning I got up so early that I met John and Helmut at breakfast, but they only made remarks that I was up so early and so I couldn't get anything out. So I went to see Emelie and see what she knew. Emelie had just gotten up and was making herself a coffee. "Would you like some? I bet you haven't had any yet since you're here so early today." "Yes I do," I replied, "But I'll still have one." We sat down together, able to talk a little since the baby was asleep. But Emelie sounded like she didn't know the light either.

When Mirjam woke up we went for a walk, a little bit towards the beach, but then we turned around. Emelie enjoyed the walk even if we were not on the beach. Slowly she missed the sea very much and she wanted to at least finally go to the beach again.

In the evening at home I met John and Helmut again at dinner. This time they talked about the light themselves, but they didn't know it either. But one sentence was very helpful for me: It looked as if the light came from the beach near the forest, but nobody lives there and there is no house nearby. They just wondered and I also noticed that it came from that direction. Why didn't I remember that? Well I didn't want to think about it either. I hoped that tonight the light would be there again.

Unfortunately not again. Also not when I got up in the night to look for it again. So I hoped that I could bring Emelie that we went in the direction of the forest beach. Not quite to the beach, of course, but just close by. You could be there in the woods and not notice much of the beach and that was just the thing to look around. Emelie was excited about the idea and said, "Why didn't we think of that before, that would have been good to get closer to the beach."

With Emelie at the forest beach

So said done. Mirjam packed and also a few things to make a picnic there and then we went. We had to walk for quite a while and then Emelie said, "I knew why we didn't go there, the way is long and since I was pregnant we would have arrived but not back."

We looked around to find a nice place to sit down. This gave me a little opportunity to look around to see if I could spot anything. But we didn't go as far as the beach where there were probably tracks, which I was actually relieved about. It is not so easy to find traces, if one does not dare to go everywhere.

Since we liked it there we decided to go there again tomorrow. And so I picked up Emelie and the little one again in the morning and we went off. Emelie said: "When we were the evening with the boat in front of your home, we also noticed this light and if I remember correctly it came from this direction. But there is nothing here where such a bright light can come from. It's strange, but it got us home in time, and Sam said that he had seen it before, and it had helped him get into the harbor then, too. That's all he could say either." Slowly I realized that Emelie was also interested in the light. But I didn't want to talk to her too much about it, otherwise she would get the idea of being out with me at night, and that wouldn't work because of Mirjam, and then Sam would have become aware of it, too.

At night on the forest beach

This night I wanted to go out with a flashlight and head towards the beach by the forest to lie in wait to see if I spotted anything. I took another blanket and something to drink with me so that I would stay awake as long as possible. Besides, I had to be home in time so that no one would suspect anything. So I walked through the village, trying not to run into anyone, and finally arrived.

The place Emelie and I had chosen was ideal for this. Here no one could see me and I had a relatively good overview of the way to the beach. I hoped that the one came to set up the light again today. So it was a matter of waiting. I should have taken something with me to pass the time, so I was tired quickly, because I was up early. My eyes kept falling shut and then I fell asleep.

I woke up again in time because I got a little chilly, so I could go home without the others noticing. No one was surprised that I didn't come to breakfast today, not even Emelie, that I came later than the last 3 days, because everyone was used to me sleeping late because I had trouble sleeping. Emelie and I also headed there again today. Emelie said: "I would like to go to the beach today, if you like you can come along otherwise you can stay with Mirjam on our place". I didn't dare and so Emelie went to the beach alone. She could hear us so she stayed on the beach for a while. When she came back she had a small piece of a chain in her hand and she said, "There were also some footprints and some other tracks, but the water had already washed away part of it, but I found this chain at the spot." We looked at the chain a little closer, but we couldn't tell exactly where this chain came from. The only thing we knew was that it was not a piece of jewelry.

We then went home and Emelie kept the piece of chain.

That evening I wanted to stay lively, but what to take for it? A coffee? A book? I needed light for that and that would give me away. So a coffee and some more music. Maybe it would help a little to keep me awake a little longer. A little longer, but again not long enough, because I hadn't seen anything. Too bad. So another night out. Hopefully I'll see something today. Again coffee and music, blanket and ... I had forgotten the flashlight today, because the batteries were all. So I arrived a little later at the place, but done. This time I wanted to walk in between always a few steps, so I stayed awake longer. Today I make it.

And indeed, today two cars with young people came by, who made a game on the beach and so I went home again, because that was no campfire, what we had seen the evening. Too bad. Again, no.

Next day: it wasn't worth looking for tracks on the beach, because they were all gone and I didn't go to the beach anyway. But Emelie went again and I could see how it did her good.

Is there anyone?

This evening again gather things together, this time new batteries in the flashlight and go. Sit down, stand up and walk a few steps and sit down again, so the time passed. Today no young people came, but I saw another car driving slowly towards the beach. It stopped at a distance so that the tracks could not be seen or disappeared into the woods. Since the lights in the car didn't turn on when the car stopped and the headlights were turned off in time I couldn't see anyone clearly, but I saw someone get out, take something out of the trunk and walk towards the beach. I slowly crept behind to be able to see more. I heard that the person was coughing from time to time, which made me think that it must be a woman. But since I didn't know for sure, I didn't dare to approach the person. Then she turned on the light and I saw again this beautiful, warm, bright light that had brought us home. So that the person could not see me, I crept to my seat and went home. Finally at least some answers, tonight I wanted to go again.

Tonight, that was not possible, today we wanted to make a game night and it always goes very long and there it would be noticeable if I'm not there. I was always the one who wanted to keep playing and never found an end to such an evening. Well, it didn't depend on one evening, but I hoped that it would work again the next night and that the person would be there again.

What could I do to approach her without scaring her? I tried to think of something, but I kept thinking: this will scare them and since I don't know who it is, it's better not to do it.

The next morning I met with Emelie again and I watched Mirjam again when Emelie went to the beach. Somehow I was urged to go with her to see if there were any traces, but I looked where the car must have been. There was not much to see and the ground gave no traces. Emelie came back from the beach and told me that she had found footprints again. She said that they must have been small feet, because her feet fit into the footprints. That fit, I thought, because the person I saw was also small, but not petite, but sturdy (I guess that's what they call it). Well, this light could also only carry someone who was a bit stronger and from there I assumed that it was a small man who went to the beach at night and let the light shine for the sailors.

Address thus rather not, because the one had to have already strength and who knows what he does if I frighten him, because I appear. So carefully and again only observe that was enough for me for now, maybe I'll notice more.

The next night. Everything again with me, but this time also a cell phone, so that I can call someone in case of need. Because maybe I fall nevertheless on and then I need help. Whom I then call was not yet clear to me, because no one should know anything. So I went off, as always the way through the village, so that no one sees me big. Finally I arrived and now I had to wait again and not fall asleep. This was not so easy for me, because I always stayed awake at night, I was quite tired. I listened to music and got up to stay awake. I kept trying to stay awake, but I ended up falling asleep. Too bad. I hoped that the person had not been there. But when we were back in the forest on the beach and Emelie came back from the beach to our place she said: "Today there were tracks again and I think I would have seen the light again during the night. Were you out and about that night?", I asked Emelie. She said, "Yes, Mirjam couldn't sleep, so I took her for a walk and that's when I saw the light." We both looked around a little in the forest to see if we could discover anything, because Emelie had also become curious. But of my nocturnal excursions I told her nothing. That should remain my secret, for now.

Since I had slept well last night, even though I had slept outside, I hoped to stay awake a little longer this night to get something out. Music on, getting up every now and then and sitting back down, just not lying down. Tired I still was. But this night I stayed awake and today the car came again. Again someone got out of the car, so I couldn't see much. I tried to sneak closer to the person to see anything. This time to the other side of the way. But I couldn't make out much and to avoid being seen I had to quickly return to my spot. Again not getting much out. Too bad.

Maybe the next night will bring more.

The woman on the forest beach

I went in the evening again and had everything with me. The way to the place I went briskly, and again the same game, get up a few steps and sit down again. I stayed awake for quite a long time, but nothing happened. So I had fallen asleep again. Thus I did not notice how someone approached me. The person shook me awake and asked: "What are you doing here? Why don't you sleep in your bed at home? It's much too uncomfortable here." The person was right and so I packed my things and went home and fell asleep again without realizing who it was. Why not? The person had woken me up. I must have been too tired. But now I didn't know if I should go back to that place or if I could find another place.

When I went back to that spot with Emelie, I tried to figure out where I could hide now. And I had found a good spot for it, from where I could see the place where the one with the light was well. I didn't even notice how close I was to the beach and that I could even hear the waves.

So in the evening I went again and this time to the new place. It wasn't as comfortable, but I could see better here and didn't have to get up to do it. And maybe I don't fall asleep so fast when it is not so comfortable. It was really like that, but in the meantime I was hurting a lot and I thought if it is not better to go home again. But just then the car came and the pain was forgotten.

I tried to see more this time and when the person turned off the lamp he turned to me and spoke to me. "What are you doing here and why do you keep watching me." I was so scared that I dropped my phone and didn't know what to say. I just stuttered something about, "I'm sorry, I'll be leaving in a minute." "Stop, not so fast, I already want to know why they are here and watching me," said the person. By now I had figured out that it was a woman standing in front of me. But that did not help me to get out of this situation. What could I do but answer her as much as I allowed. I also hoped to learn something from the woman. So I tried to summon up all my courage and said, "I had seen this light when we were on the sea and no one knew where it came from, but it saved our lives because it got us into the harbor. It was a stormy evening and we were glad to have come home. Only I fell into the water when we moored the boat. Perhaps they remember that evening?" "No," the woman replied, "I always just inquire if the boats got back okay. Then I have done my job." The woman made me more and more curious and so I asked, "What mission?" "That doesn't matter," I got in reply. "And now for you, why are you spying on me? No one else cared where that light came from, and I was happy about that." I quickly tried to think of an answer, but nothing came to mind except that I wanted to know where this light came from. But this answer was certainly not enough for the woman and so I just shrugged my shoulders for now, which was not a good answer either. The woman then asked me a few more questions, where I came from, what my name was and, and ... I answered some of the questions, but it was slowly getting light and the woman wanted to go home again not to attract further attention and I did too. Finally I asked if I could meet her here again tonight or even help her. She pushed around a bit but said, "Fine, we'll meet tonight, but only if you don't tell anyone about it." I promised and looked forward to tonight.

Missed opportunity

I went home. Today I did not go to Emelie, because I was much too tired and had to sleep first to be fit for the night. My mother was a little surprised when I went to bed after breakfast, but she had slowly realized that I was out at night and always came home differently. She didn't ask any questions, though, and I was grateful to her for that. She trusted me and especially God to find a way for me to get back on the boat and fish with my brother. She always said, "We have a God who knows exactly how to help us and what will help us." I often marveled at her trust in God because she was so carefree about it. Not that her life was without problems, but she always radiated a calmness through it that did good and always made us feel at peace, no matter what. Also this time and through that I could go to sleep reassured. Sleeping was good, I was so excited about tonight that I couldn't sleep much. And when I finally fell asleep, it was time to get up. Tired I was, but the excitement kept me awake. I could meet the woman again tonight and I had so many questions for her. Will she give me answers or will I not know anything? The main thing was that I met her again and could see what she was doing there and possibly help her. Helping her so that sailors could get into port well, that was a very good feeling. Often a light was missing to get better into the harbor or to reach the harbor better in a storm. I was happy and went humming to the place where I hoped to meet the woman again.

When I arrived all was quiet and there was no one to be seen. I sat down at the place where I had met the woman and waited. I was already starting to go home when the car finally came and stopped in the same place as always. She didn't look around for me, but got the lamp from her car and put it up, turned it on and stopped. She looked up towards the water and it looked like she was expecting someone. But no one came. So some time passed and I slowly got up. Even then she did not move. She just stood there and looked out to sea. To show her that I was there, I slowly walked towards her. But even then she did not turn around.

I wondered about this and then stopped all at once, realizing where I was standing. My feet touched the sand and I turned around and went back to my place. She must have heard me now, but no movement from her there either. I hadn't noticed that it had become windy since I was between the trees and now I understood why she didn't move from the spot. She wanted to shine a light to the people who were on the sea and bring them home safely. It had never occurred to me before that this was the best place to light the way to the harbor for the sailors.

Being so busy with my thoughts, I had forgotten that my feet had touched the sand from the beach. Since I was looking in the direction of the woman, I didn't notice that the sea was in the background. I only wanted to know what she was doing and when she could answer my questions, whether she came at all or whether she went straight home again like yesterday.

I then sat down and did not notice how I fell asleep. When I woke up I could see the first rays of the sun and I looked up, but the woman was no longer to be seen and I saw the beach and the sea. I quickly turned around again and realized that I had been looking at the sea during the night and that I was not afraid but had only been watching the woman standing on the beach and shining her light on the sea. Beach, oh there was something, it came to my mind that I had even been in the sand with my feet and it was beautiful. But the thought frightened me a little. On the way home I couldn't get the sea and the beach out of my head. Sea, beach, sea, beach. On the one hand it was a nice feeling, but also an uncomfortable one. Beach, sea, sea, whether the woman is back tonight, she hadn't answered any question for me, I couldn't even ask her one. I have to be more careful tonight, I can't stand next to her, because she is standing on the beach. Oh it was too stupid. I could only talk to her if I stood next to her, and that's when the fear kicked in again. That was too much for me, too much sea and beach. So what to do? How could I talk to this woman?

Maybe I could intercept it before? But she is always there when that light needs to shine. How can I talk to her? I could only hope that she would have time to talk to me again, like that one time. And I had to stay awake until she packed up the lamp. What helped me stay awake the other times? Music and getting up again and again. That's exactly what I took it upon myself to do and went to sleep first. I snuck into my room and laid down. This time I was so knackered that I fell asleep right away and slept well.

When I met John for supper he said, "Emelie asked if you were all right, she hasn't seen you for a few days. She is worried. Are you all right? I just said, "Yes, yes, everything is fine, I will visit her again tomorrow." But I wondered how that could be done when I was always out at night. I thought about how I could divide the time differently, because the woman also always came late at night and then she had no time for the time being. So it's better to go there later at night and that way I can also see Emelie again. I don't have to stay so long with her and I also missed little Mirjam.

Emelie's questions

I didn't leave right away that evening, but I couldn't sleep a little longer, because I kept asking myself, is she there already, am I missing her? I got up, got dressed and went back out to the place in the forest. The woman was not there yet. Therefore I sat down on the place and waited. I turned on some music, after a while I noticed that I was getting tired and I got up, walked a few steps back and forth, then I sat down again. I did this several times in a row, but then I fell asleep. The sun was just rising and I looked around, no one had been there today. So home still a little sleep and visit Emelie.

Emelie was very happy when I came and she asked, "What do we want to do today? Shall we go back to our place on the forest beach? Have you had any success getting closer to the beach too, we haven't seen each other for a few days." "Yes, let's go to our place," I replied, hoping she could tell me if I had missed the woman. Then I wanted to help pack the things so we could leave, but Emelie wouldn't let up. "Something happened, didn't it? Otherwise you would have said no, with me everything is the same." I tried to change the subject with a wave of my hand and asked if we needed anything else or if we had everything we needed to get going. I knew Emelie too well and therefore I knew that she would not let go, but I did not want to tell so quickly what had happened that night, because it was a secret between the woman and me and there I could not simply tell about it. So I needed a little more time to tell Emelie in such a way that she wouldn't find out about the woman. Not so easy. The whole time she asked again and again: "What happened, come on, tell me. I would like to know and you would have reacted differently if nothing had happened."

I tried to tell that about the view of the sea and the feet in the sand, but what, I kept that to myself. Of course, Emelie still did not let go, not even on the way home. And I didn't want to ask if she had seen tracks in the sand so as not to give anything away. That was not so easy, because the questions of Emelie were not to be answered simply without not coming nevertheless on the woman or the light. Even the question when that was, because I wanted to tell her nothing of my excursions in the night. I was glad when I was finally on the way home and no longer had to answer any questions.

Answers at last?

I had to somehow see to it that I could get some sleep before I was out again at night. Because I wanted to be fit and not fall asleep again and not get any answers.

I laid down after supper, then got up in the middle of the night and went to the spot in the woods by the beach. I had set an alarm clock for myself and quietly snuck out of the house as usual. I always hoped no one would notice. Arriving at the place, I saw that the woman was already shining the lamp on the sea. I sat down in my seat and waited for her to turn off the lamp. Although I couldn't sleep much during the day today, I stayed awake and after the woman put the lamp away she sat down with me briefly and said, "It's too uncomfortable to talk out here. If you like, let's meet here a little earlier tonight and talk a little, because you seem to have not only questions, but also need some help. I'll tell you my story then, maybe it will help you." We said goodbye and arranged to meet at 10:00 tonight.

At home, the others were already awake and just wanted breakfast and I sat down with them. No one asked where I came from and that was good. After breakfast I went to bed. I couldn't sleep for a while, so I got up and went to Emelie. She was happy about that and this time we didn't go to the forest, but in the direction of the harbor, as Emelie had suggested. Maybe we'll get a little further today. Unfortunately no, we stayed in the village and ate an ice cream. Today she asked hardly any questions and thus it was a nice day with the two of them.

In the late afternoon I tried to sleep a little, then got up when the alarm clock went off and immediately went towards the forest beach. This time a little more inconspicuous than usual. When I arrived, the woman was already sitting there waiting for me. "Hi, I'm Linda by the way." I replied quietly, "Johanna but more like Jo." "Sit down" Linda said pointing to the seat where I always sat. "I don't know where to start but I think first with the fact that I married a sailor who was at sea almost every day so we could provide for our family. Every day except Sunday, because that day was for the Lord Jesus, and that was very important to both of us. Well sometimes we noticed when he didn't go out on Sunday like the others did, but God let us have it good.

Our 3 children grew up with everything they needed and there were hardly any times when we were short, thanks be to God. Sometimes the others said to him; you were unlucky, today there were many fish and we got your catch. Well, the sayings were sometimes quite hard and he always acted as if he didn't mind, but that wasn't quite true. Sometimes I would have liked to go out with him, but he always said: that's too dangerous and the kids need at least one parent. So I stayed home and raised the children. There were days when I would have gladly traded places with him. But they turned out to be good kids. I'm rambling a little too much, sorry. Every Monday my husband always went out early and there were days when he said: today the weather doesn't look so good, but God will take care of us so we'll be back in time. And so he went out to sea over and over again and always brought back enough fish. On the one day, I can still remember it exactly, he also said the same sentence and went out with his men. The weather wasn't getting any better, it was getting worse, and I was starting to worry if they were going to get home okay. I gathered some things, took my children to the neighbor's house and went to the beach with a lantern."

Then she broke off her talk and just said, "Oh, it's so late, I have to turn on the lamp again so everyone can get home okay, like you did then. You can go home, because when I'm done, I'll go right home, I'm getting tired. But not too tired to shine." Thank you I told her and left. Today I was finally able to sleep again. But I was curious how the story of Linda's family went on. If her husband is still alive? What the children are doing now and why she is taking care of the lamp alone. As I was lying in bed my mother came in and asked me if everything was all right. "Yes, everything is fine." I just said. After that I tried to sleep, but the story of Linda went through my mind and I wondered how it went on. I fell asleep late and got up very late in the morning.

I meet Linda

When I arrived at Emelie's house she said, "Well, have you been out again?" But she didn't ask any more questions today. We had a good time together with Mirjam and Emelie asked me if I could watch Mirjam in the evening, because Sam and her wanted to go to the movies. I said, "Yeah sure," but I thought that would keep me from seeing Linda, but it wasn't tonight.

And so I was able to meet up with Linda again. Linda was a little late today, so we didn't have much time to talk. This time she asked me why I had waited here for her and spied on her. Well, you couldn't call it spying, but I just wanted to know where this light came from and who made it shine, because it had brought us home. I told about the day with the storm and that Emelie and her family also came home through the light just like us. Only they a little earlier and so they did not have so much problems with trust. I told her how afraid I was that we would not get home and that our boat would capsize. But my brother remained quite calm and trusted in God. He was the one who started praying and thanking God that He would bring us home safely and that everything would go well. And that's what God did. We arrived safely in the harbor, but then we had to tie up the boat and that's when it happened that I fell into the water and couldn't get out on my own. Well, with this storm no miracle, but Helmut was so attentive that he had seen it immediately and threw me the life ring. The two of them then pulled me out of the water with the last of their strength and the villagers helped us. But without the light we would never have arrived. "That's what my husband kept saying, and he was grateful that there was that light. So I have to turn the light back on now. Do you want to help me?" She asked. I hesitated and said, "Yes, only if we don't have to go too far out. I still don't dare to go that far out." We got the lamp, set it up in its place, and I tried not to go as far out on the beach as possible. That worked out pretty well. I stayed with Linda for a while, but then she told me again to go home and sleep. I did, because I realized that I almost fell asleep standing up.

The next day I went to Emelie as usual. Since the weather was not so good we stayed at her home and Emelie showed me what I had to pay attention to in order to take care of Mirjam. I found it quite easy, only the swaddling I still had to practice, because it sometimes ran alongside when I swaddled her. So I had to swaddle her more often, practice makes perfect. It got better and better as time went on. I almost forgot the time and when I looked at the clock I realized that I had to hurry so that I would be at Linda's in time. So I said goodbye to Emelie and headed for home and then turned off to join Linda at the beach. Done. Linda was not there yet and that although the weather was not good today and the lamp was needed. Where was she, why didn't she come? It took a while and then I heard her car. She jumped out of the car and said, "Help me make this go faster, I'm sorry I'm a little late today." And so I helped her without paying attention to where I was going or how far I was on the beach or how far I could see the ocean. When we were done we both stood next to the lamp and took deep breaths. "Whew, done" Linda said, propping her hands on her knees. Then she saw my feet standing in the sand and she said, "Thanks for helping me so quickly in spite of everything. Look where you're standing." I looked at my feet and found myself standing in the middle of the sand. At first I was slightly startled, but then I was fine again because I realized that nothing bad had happened after I was on the beach. Besides, I was far enough away from the water and that calmed me down. Linda said, "That's a first step and that's great." "Yes," I answered her and we stood there for a while and I tried not to look at the ocean because it was a little churned up just like I was. But now there was no time to talk, Linda took care of the lamp and I said goodbye. "Tomorrow at the same time as usual?" I asked as a farewell. Linda nodded only briefly and then I left.

Questions about questions

The next morning I went to see Emelie again. After a while she started asking strange questions like, when did you go home last night? Or: Did you go somewhere else last night? Or even, Did you not run into Sam at all? I wondered about these questions, but I tried not to let on. But Emelie knew me too well. She knew there was something there. But how? Was she following me? No, she then came out with the fact that Sam first saw me walking in the direction of home and then I turned off in the direction of the forest beach, at least he thought so. But she always asked only briefly, so I didn't have to go into detail. Despite everything it was again a nice day with Emelie and Mirjam.

Arrived at home, however, I had to endure again a few questions at supper, because John had also seen me turn and had also wondered about it. He told me that he and Sam were going home more often now, so they both saw me and wondered about my change of direction. It was hard to give a reason why I went there then without fibbing or lying, but I just said that I like to go there, especially in the evening it is nice there for me. With it the questions stopped also here for the time being.

Except John wanted to know if he should start looking for someone to help them on the boat. Part of my heart was screaming yes, do it, another part was screaming no, no way. I was so torn but said, "I'm sorry but I can't yet. If it helps you, then I guess you'll have to hire someone." That hurt me so much that I went to my room and cried. My mother, as always in such moments, came after me and just took me in her arms. I only heard her whispering but I didn't understand anything. Tonight I was not able to go to Linda on the beach. I had to digest that first. Thoughts like: I can't get on the boat, I won't make it, I just have this fear in my head, paralyzed me. They made me unable to grasp a clear thought.

My mother got me out of these thoughts by saying: "Don't despair, trust in God, because he loves you and he shows you the way. For Jesus Christ is the way, the truth and the life." This sentence broke through my thoughts and now this sentence was also circling in my head with the others and in the process I fell asleep. It was a restless night for me, again with dreams of the storm and of sinking. Again and again I woke up with the light in front of my eyes that had helped us. I hoped that Linda was shining again, because this night was also a bit stormy.

Shards of glass on the forest beach

Emelie welcomed me already with Mirjam in the middle of the way to them. She just said, the night was very short and I hope she sleeps now when we go for a walk with her. She looked very tired, but we walked side by side in silence for a while, because I wasn't quite asleep yet either. Mirjam was falling asleep very quickly in the stroller, but if we didn't keep walking we felt like she was waking up. So we went on.

We did sit down on a bench and Emelie kept pushing the stroller back and forth to keep Mirjam asleep. "She had gas and that's why I've been out with her half the night. If she sleeps now I will go home and lie down. I'll see you tomorrow." With that Emelie got up again and went home. Completely overtired as she was, that was for the best. What am I going to do now, I asked myself, and I stayed there for a while thinking. Go home and sleep a little more myself? The dreams were too bad for that. Why not go to the forest beach again? Because it was really beautiful there. So I went there. When I arrived there I saw strange traces, as if Linda had been there, but the lamp had been broken, because there were some glass splinters. I looked around a little bit as far as I dared to go there. I only found the glass splinters and nothing more. I would have liked to go to Linda, but I didn't know where she lived. I was a little annoyed that I had not been there and helped her. But now I couldn't change anything. I was going to be there in the evening when Linda came and help her. The lamp was not light, I hoped that it had remained intact and that nothing had happened to Linda.

I went home for supper and hurried back to the forest beach. Linda was not there yet and I tried to catch a glimpse of her, if and from where she came, but no one came. Why isn't she coming today? Maybe the lamp is broken or she is not well, the weather was going today and then I also knew that she did not always come. I waited for a while and then I went home, but I was worried about Linda. I would have liked to stay there, but I knew that now Linda would not come.

I couldn't really sleep either and so I got up early again, had breakfast with the others and then wanted to go to Emelie. John said: "Let her sleep a little today, the last night was also very short according to Sam. He called in the night and asked if you had a little time to help, because he had to get up early again. Where were you anyway? We had been looking for you at the house." "I was getting some fresh air, since I hadn't slept well the night before." I answered. Then I went to my room and worried about how Linda and Emelie were doing now. I visited Emelie after she called. She looked better today. Mirjam was also quite peaceful. "She's better again," Emelie said, "let's go to the forest beach for a while, it's always so nice there and the weather is good too." So we went there. Emelie noticed the broken pieces, too, and she started to clear them away so that no one would get hurt. She said the shards look like from a big lamp, almost like a glass pane from the lighthouse, funny. I took the precaution of not saying anything about it, because I didn't want to betray Linda. After some time we went home. Each to his own, because I wanted to get back to the forest beach as soon as possible, so that I could meet Linda again in the hope that everything was all right. After supper I disappeared immediately, everyone was surprised that I was gone so quickly. When I arrived at the forest beach, Linda was still not there, it was not her time yet. I hoped that she would come today. Time passed very slowly and I kept looking for her. Finally that must be her car. Yes, it was.

Keeping a secret

When she arrived, we set up the lamp again together. Today I didn't mind standing on the beach, I was thankful to God about that and also that Linda was fine and the lamp was intact. Linda first just said, "I'm glad you don't mind helping me here anymore." It took a while before she started to tell what had happened the night before last. She slipped in the sand and the lamp fell over, that would have happened to her already several times and always something broke at the lamp, but she always repaired it then immediately. This time it would have taken a little longer, because she had to get the glass from somewhere, which is not so easy. When the lamp was set up, I asked Linda if she wanted to tell me more about the night of the storm with her husband. Oh, she just said, that's difficult, we'll do that another time. She saw my disappointed face and said, "Well, we'll meet an hour earlier tomorrow and I'll tell you more then." I stayed beside her for a while and then I went home. I admired Linda for the effort she put in every day and was grateful to God that she existed and that I was able to meet her.

At home, I went straight to sleep. I slept a little longer than usual and thus went to Emelie's a little later. Emelie had also slept a little longer, but she still looked tired. We went for a walk again. She said, "Did you find out anything else about the broken glass?" Now I didn't know what to answer her, because I didn't want to tell Linda. So what to say without telling about Linda? Saying no was not true, so what could I tell her. I just said that the broken pieces had to be from a lamp. First I wanted to ask Linda if I could tell Emelie about her. But I didn't get the idea before, because Linda seemed to me as if nobody should know it big. I tried to change the subject to avoid being asked more questions about the broken glass. In some situations it is hard not to lie to the other person and not to tell a secret.

So we walked for a while and arrived back at Emelie's home. I stayed for a coffee and then left. In the evening I set off in time, because today Linda wanted to tell me more about her husband and so I wanted to be there very early. So I had to wait, because I arrived half an hour early. Linda arrived on time this time. We sat down in a comfortable place and I started to tell, not Linda. I told about Emelie and Mirjam and how hard it is to give her answers and asked Linda: if I could tell about her. Only to Emelie not to anyone else. She thought for a while and then said: "Hm, let's see, then there are already 2 who know about what I am doing here. Is that good? I don't know, not that then many more people find out about it and then it's no longer good. Do you think Emelie is keeping quiet about it?" I said, "Yes, I've already confided in her about some things, so I know I can trust her." "Alright, but only her and no one else. Otherwise this is going to get too complicated."

The story of Linda's husband

She took out a thermos of coffee and gave me a cup. First we were silent for a short time, then Linda started to tell: "I don't know where I stopped? Well, then just where ,my husband went to the sea on that Monday with already bad weather. I kept looking out and thinking: God bring him back home, please, you take care of him. Again and again I said this sentence and then it was as if something urged me to gather things and go to the forest beach with a lamp. My kids were surprised that they had to go to the neighbor's house today, but they were also happy because that meant more games, more candy, and staying awake longer. So not many questions were asked, but went along. I drove my car here, because my husband often said from the forest beach is sometimes missing a light, you would see it well and from his colleagues I heard it too. So there and tried to shine. It was only an oil lamp, something better I could not think of, because an open fire would not have started with the wet wood. I fought against the wind, stood there where I thought it would be good here. I held up the lamp, but it was difficult due to the wind, again and again I had to take my arm down, because the lamp was pressed down. I had to think of Moses, who also had to hold his arms up so that the people of Israel were victorious. I prayed, God give me the strength to hold the lamp up so they can see your light. The one time the lamp even fell out of my hand, but it was not broken. I tried to light it again, but again and again the match went out. I screamed inside: God help me. And he did, finally the lamp was on again. I breathed a little sigh of relief, but now again holding up the lamp so they could see it. It cost me so much strength that I finally sank into the sand on the beach and fell asleep with the lamp in my hand. I hoped that my husband and the other sailors had found their way home again. I was cold when I woke up. Freezing, I packed my things again and got into the car. I couldn't take it anymore, was even too tired to worry about how the men were doing. I drove slowly back home and went to my bed and immediately fell asleep again. I hadn't looked to see if my husband was back. Just still sleep. When I woke up the next morning I looked around and was sad and still full of worry because I had not seen my husband. I got up and went to the kitchen. Thank God, I took a deep breath and hugged him. He was home! Oh, what a stormy welcome, he said, rejoicing. Then he started to tell me: It was quite stormy yesterday, we had just cast the nets when it started to wind more and more. We pulled them in as fast as we could, no matter how many fish were in them, it was very difficult and took a long time. But when we finally had them hauled in and stowed we headed for home as fast and as best we could. After a while we had a hard time keeping the direction and we hoped for a light so we could find the course again. But there was nothing to see. We kept going, always hoping God would guide us the right way and give us a light. It took and took, we could not see much, waves all around us. The wind roared around us. But at some point Miguel said, "You see that little light? No, where, I see nothing. There was also then nothing to see. A certain time later he said again: there, there is the light again indeed weakly but a small light see nevertheless. There I had also seen it, almost hardly to recognize but bright enough to bring us now the way home. We were grateful to God for this light and that he brought us the way home. And as you can see here I am and God has kept his promise that he will bring us back home safely. Today we first have to check the boat and see if everything is still okay. Where are the children and why did you sleep so long, I don't know that from you. You're usually the one who always gets up first.

A new lamp?

I answered him that I was worried and so that I could go to the port, I took the children to the neighbor. Well, it wasn't quite the truth, but I didn't want to worry him about the light. Then after he left again after breakfast I went over to the neighbor to get the kids for breakfast. They were still sleeping and so I had coffee with her. We talked about the weather and that my husband had arrived home safely thanks to God's help. I didn't want anyone to know about what I had done that night, so I kept it to myself for quite a while. Every now and then, when I thought it was necessary, I went out onto the forest beach and tried to shine with my oil lamp. But that didn't work so well and I couldn't buy another lamp without my husband finding out about it. So I always struggled with this oil lamp. Until it broke one night and I had no choice but to tell my husband about it. But how? I asked him if we could spend some money on a lamp that was a little more stable. Of course, he asked: what do we need such a lamp for? I said for outside. Why? he asked, we have some money, but how expensive should it be? When I told him the price of the lamp, he just said: that must be a lamp for something special. I took a deep breath and told him that it was me with the light that the sailors see, so that they come home safely. God had sent me the first evening when it was so stormy, but now the lamp is broken and I did not want to take another oil lamp, but something better.

His reaction was: what are you doing? You're out on the forest beach shining a light? Why didn't you tell me this before? Everyone was surprised that all of a sudden this light was always there, faintly but we could see it. But what are you doing with the children? Besides, in this weather it is often much too dangerous. No, I don't know if we should buy such a lamp. What if something happens to you?

I kept silent while he talked and listened to his arguments.

On the beach

Linda now looked at the clock. It's time, we have to set up or we'll miss the important time. Linda jumped up and ran to the car and got out the lamp. We set it up together and stood silently at the edge of the forest. Tomorrow I can't be that early, we'll see when it works out again. But right now I don't have that much time, my daughter is coming tomorrow and then we were going to do some company and talk about some stuff. She brings her daughter with her.

So I went home and hoped that Linda had more time for me. In the next days not much happened. Sometimes I tried, if I was earlier than Linda on the forest beach to go a little further to the water, but it did not quite work. Whenever the fear rose in me, I first began to calm down and then I remembered the sentence of my mother Jesus Christ is the way, the truth and the life. I repeated this sentence several times and I felt better again. What did she say: look at Christ, turn your eyes to him and away from what frightens you. This at least brought me back to the beach a little bit and I was able to look at the water again at dusk and I was very grateful to God for that. I stayed there for a while, enjoying the sight of God's wonderful creation.

Finally a new lamp

Finally it was time again, Linda had some time again. She said come by an hour earlier again tomorrow, I'll bring tea and then we'll talk more. I was happy and the time that day seemed to me as if it did not pass. Not even with Emelie.

I was there a little early as usual and went back towards the beach. Then when Linda came and saw that she said, "You're doing fine. You're going to make it, I know it."

She encouraged me by that and we first sat down and drank the tea in peace. Linda then started and said: my husband often always let me finish, because he often argued out loud about a lot of things. Sometimes I would say something about it, but not that night, because I wanted him to buy me the lamp and that's when I knew it was better to let him finish. After a while, after thinking some arguments back and forth, he asked me: how did you even come up with such an idea? Now I had to find good arguments to show him that it was a good idea and that was not easy. So I started: I was very worried the evening when it had stormed like this. I thought you wouldn't come back if I didn't do something. Something urged me to go out and shine there. Again and again this thought was there and so that I didn't go out just like that I kept praying God, should I really go out in this weather and shine? Again and again I asked him, should I really do it? What if something happens to me? And then the thought came, what if my husband doesn't come back? What if, because there was no light, he can't find his way back home and neither can the other sailors? So my thoughts went back and forth again and again. Again and again asking God if it was right to go out. And suddenly I knew, yes, God is with me, I should go and give the sailors a light so that they come home. It was so clear in front of my eyes that I should go and it urged me that it was time to go. So I said to God, "All right, I'll go and trust you to bring my husband and the others back home through this. So it wasn't done just like that, but well thought out with God.

I knew that you had often said that a lamp was missing there on the forest beach. It would be very helpful. But there was never a lamp or a lighthouse put there because there was no money for it and because the county always said we have enough light, there is a lighthouse a little bit further and that is enough. We both know that it is not enough and that this lamp is needed there. You have experienced it yourselves. How often my light has helped you in the last time. I know God has given me this task and I need this lamp for it, otherwise I have to take an oil lamp again and that is difficult.

I tried to find some more arguments for the lamp and my husband suddenly said: Stop! That's enough. I was quite startled, because he has never talked to me like that before. I understood, he continued.

If we don't buy you the lamp, you'll go back there with an oil lamp to light us anyway. And yes, you're right, it has often helped us get home faster. We'll see what kind of lamp we buy, it doesn't have to be too heavy or you won't be able to carry it. Let's look for it tomorrow night. Knowing you, I'm sure you've already found one that will fit the bill. I just told him: please don't tell anyone, because I don't want the others to know about it. Too bad, he said, if I already have a woman who does this, I would like to tell about it. But I don't say a word about it. I knew I could trust him.

Again it was time to set up the lamp and we did. Slowly we were a well-rehearsed team. We then stood together on the beach for a while and then I went home again.

Falling asleep more peacefully through God's Word

That night what Linda had said kept going through my mind. Good, I trust you God. Good, I trust you God. I couldn't get that thought out of my mind. Do I trust God? Do I trust him with all my heart? This question kept coming up in me and I had to answer it with no, because otherwise I wouldn't have this fear. Again and again this fear held me back from doing what I liked to do and I could not help my brother. I had to slowly get back on the boat or he would have to hire someone. But how do I manage to trust God with all my heart? To trust Him in such a way that I overcome my fear?

This evening I prayed to God differently than usual. Today I said to God: Help me to trust you with all my heart and not my thoughts and fears. Search my heart and thoughts and see how I mean it. Show me the way to trust you more and more.

I opened the Bible and found the verse: trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your mind. Remember Him in whatever you do, and He will show you the right way. Proverbs 3:5 - 6. Another verse was: For I am the Lord your God. I take you by your right hand and say: Do not be afraid! I will help you. Israel, you little people descended from Jacob, do not be afraid, even though you are weak and helpless. I will help you; I, the Lord, the holy God of Israel. i am your redeemer. Isaiah 41, 14

It was good to read God's words and to know that he keeps his promises. All that is left for me is to trust in Him with all my heart. How often I trust only up to a certain point and then I question some things. Then thoughts come up like: >> Oh, that won't happen, why should it be different with you this time than usual. You can't do it. Why should God help this time. << And then I don't know what to do. Every time I ask myself, what should I do to make it different. And I ask God to show me what I can do. I read the verses out loud a few more times and it did me good, it calmed me down. It made me fall asleep peacefully.

Someone is hired - and I?

The next day I visited Emelie again and we had a little time to talk about the thought: Good, I trust you God! God I will trust you because your way is good. That was Emelie's thought, how she trusts in God. Me on the other hand, I didn't know what my trust looked like because right now fear had so much space and I knew it didn't work that way. I told Emelie, "I don't want to have this fear anymore and over and over again it comes up when I get too close to the water. Again and again it blocks me. And every time I ask God, when will it be different and what can I contribute to it. Again and again I hear, "Take your time and trust me. That's what I'm trying to do, but slowly my brother is getting someone else on the boat and that's not reassuring."

Emelie commented, "Why not, then you won't be under so much pressure to get back on the boat and you can slowly work back towards it. No one is pressuring you, it's to take the pressure off you that John gets someone, because he knows how much you suffer from it." We continued to talk about it for a while and slowly I came to peace about it and accepted that John was doing it to take the pressure off me. I breathed a sigh of relief. Finally this stress is gone. I stayed with Emelie for a while and then went back home.

Then when I went back to the forest beach Linda was not there. I waited a while and tried to look at the sea without the lamp and Linda and to take a few steps closer to the water. One step and I stopped. The second one I did not succeed. I stayed there for a while and kept telling myself: I want to trust in God. And: Jesus Christ is the way, the truth and the life. Both made me calm and I could stay there for quite a while. Then I went home again.

The next day I had not visited Emelie, because I had waited a very long time for Linda in the evening. I still didn't know when she came and when she didn't. So I slept a little longer and helped my mother today. Also we talked about John wanting to hire someone. I told her that I was having a hard time getting used to the idea, but Emelie said, "John doesn't want me to put so much pressure on myself and I can work on the anxiety situation in peace. I understand that, but it was very challenging for me when I heard that.

My mom said to that, "Look at what you've already accomplished now, how far God has brought you. Look, you are already standing on the sand and you are not afraid anymore. You can look at the sea again and you are not afraid like before. God is already helping you and letting you overcome your fear bit by bit and not all at once, because then your fear would not be gone but only suppressed. He wants you to be free and to trust him with all your heart in the next storm. Or do you think he sends you out to sea like this now and the next storm you won't be able to help? No, he wants that your trust is again so that you are also calm and trust him when the next storm rages around you.

You are right. I looked at my mother and took her in my arms. "Waiting and being patient is often not my thing, and besides, I want to know if I'm going to get back on the boat or not," I said. "You will get back on the boat, otherwise you wouldn't be my Jo." she said, laughing heartily and patting my cheek.

Conor - the new guy

Tonight I went back to the forest beach hoping to meet Linda again, but she wasn't there again. I worried a little if there was something with her, but dismissed it because I knew if she didn't need to come, then she wasn't here. So I went home early tonight to see Emelie again tomorrow.

With Emelie in the morning not quite arrived I was a little surprised that she came to meet me. She said: "Since Mirjam was awake so early, I thought I'd see if you were coming today. We would have visited you otherwise. We've gotten so used to you being there, then something is missing when you don't come." I responded by saying, "Then there's something good about not daring to go on the boat." She laughed and said, "Yes. Shall we go to the forest beach? It's always so beautiful there, and Mirjam can play a little on the blanket." "Sure," I replied, and off we went. Today we put the blanket down so that we were a little in the sand and I felt a safe distance away. Emelie was pleased with my progress and said, "Wow, I couldn't imagine you sitting here now. But now I see it. Nice. See, a lot of times we don't see our progress and look for yourself how far you've come. There were times when you turned away and went back when you knew, now I should see the sea right away. And now you're sitting here.

Praise the Lord. God is really good. He will work with you to do the rest!" I said, "I hope so and try to trust Him. Sometimes when I don't see progress, I get impatient with myself and also with Him, but yes, the progress is important to see." We sat there for quite a while and I was happy about it. Finally sitting on the beach again and I thought: the rest I will manage with God. It felt so good to have that confidence and it made me feel calmer. I then took them both home and went home myself. There John was waiting for me and said, "We're going to have a visitor for supper tonight." He took a deep breath as he did so. "I wanted to tell you this beforehand, it's someone who may be helping us on the boat for a while. So you'll have some time. I know you can do it with God's help and that's why you take the time you need to have that confidence again that we all need." I looked at him with wide eyes, I had thought it would be some time, but it was: NOW. Tonight. I would have loved to go upstairs to my room. But John said: I should look at him too, to give him my opinion, what kind of impression he makes.

At dinner it was a bit silent at first, but then John started asking Conor questions about where he worked, how long he's been doing this, and more. Conor answered the questions and asked questions himself: how long have you had this boat, why we need someone.... And John also answered the questions. So it went back and forth again and again. At some point it became too much for me and I went to my room. John looked in on me later and asked, "Well, what do you think? You first, I want to know what you mean Jo." I stammered out a few answers like: I don't know, he seems nice, seems to have experience, but how he's doing, you'll only know when he's on the boat and every move has to be right. John said, "He can't replace you, of course, we're just a well-rehearsed team, but for now I'll try it out with him." I said, "OK, do that." That was all I could bring myself to say. Conor stayed with us and we set up a guest room for him so he could go out the next morning. I then asked John, "Does he know that if I dare to go back on the boat, that I'll go again?" "Yeah, but who knows, maybe you'll fall out like Emelie one day and then we'll have a replacement right away," John said mischievously, nudging me. We both had to laugh at that, but he wasn't that wrong.

Conor? Trust God?

That evening I didn't go to the forest beach anymore, I was a little sad about it, but hoped that Linda wasn't there anyway and fell asleep about it. When I got up in the morning the others had already gone out. I sometimes missed being out on the sea with them, but unfortunately I wasn't that far yet and that day it was especially hard for me. I set out to visit Emelie again. Today she did not come to meet me, but was still sleepy when I knocked. "Hello, come in." she said, yawning. "The night was so short. Mirjam is still asleep. Would you like some coffee too, oh I think I'll have to make you another one, this one is probably too strong." We sat down and we talked about last night. Emelie about Mirjam and me about Conor. She just said, "John will pick the right one and how are you doing with that?" I shrugged and said, "I, I don't know. It's hard for me, but what can I do."

"Does he know it's only for a while?" asked Emelie. "Yes, but once he settles in?", I answered her. Emelie said, "You know John how excited he would be if you came back on the boat, think how long it took him to hire someone." This sentence calmed me down a bit again. When Mirjam woke up I left soon, because Emelie wanted to sleep when Mirjam slept. Then until tomorrow we said goodbye.

In the evening I didn't stay for supper but went to the forest beach before the others came back. There I stayed for a while and looked at the sea. This time the longing came up again, I wanted to go out again. And I said to God, "What can I do so that I can finally go out again? I miss it so much to go out on the water carefree. But I can't do that right now. God help me to trust you again as I did before the accident." Then the thought came to me: like before the accident? Really just like that or better and deeper, trusting God completely when I'm on the water like John or like Linda's husband or like Dad.

What does my trust in God look like?

Linda showed up and I was happy to see her. She just said, "I don't have much time, come here tomorrow." She handed me a piece of paper and was gone in a minute. I looked at the note and read an address and next to it was a time. 4:00 pm, I'll meet you there. That's all it said and it surprised me. I didn't know the address and I had to look for it at home first. It wasn't far away, but I had to at least ride my bike because it was a bit far to walk. I was a little excited and wondered what Linda was up to. So I, too, went home.

At home I met John, who reported to me that Conor had done quite well for his first day. He would now stay with us for a few days, and if it stayed that way, he would look for another room.

I was not pleased about it, actually it should calm me down, but it did not. I wanted to ride again and not Conor. At the moment I could not change it. John promised me that when I was ready again I could go with him and that was good for me. He also said that it was important to trust God no matter what. He meant that in terms of the boat and my life, of course, but that ........ Fear had changed my life so much. After all, I wanted to trust God with all my heart, but now? Now I realized that I hadn't trusted God at all like I always thought I had, because what was it like on the boat when the storm hit, I had been through some things before, but this time something was different. John had prayed out loud and said, God we want to trust you to bring us home. This sentence was somehow familiar to me, didn't Linda's husband also say something similar? But God will take care of us, that we will be back in time, was his sentence. How much trust these two men had in God. But where did this trust come from?

I wanted to ask John about it, but I couldn't tonight. I hoped for tomorrow morning, if I woke up in time.

Linda's house

The next morning I got up early so I could still reach John, but they had to leave a little early today. He smiled and said, "Let's talk about it tonight, the way the weather looks we'll be back early and then I'll have time for you." So I had to make sure I got there before John went to sleep. Linda. I had almost forgotten that I was going to meet her at 4:00 today. Where had I put the note? I needed the address. I found it in my pants pocket that I had on yesterday, I was glad about that. Since I still had some time I went to Emelie and played a little with Mirjam. This gave Emelie time to do something around the house.

Time passed quite quickly and I left Emelie in time to be at Linda's on time. Since I didn't know the address, it took me a while to find it. It was a nice little house with lots of flowers in the front yard. In the garden itself I saw that there was also a vegetable patch and a few fruit trees. I read the name on the doorbell: K L O G E L. I rang the bell and Linda opened for me. "Come in and let's go through to the garden. Would you like some juice or something?" she said. "No," I replied, "juice is great." We went into the garden and sat down at the table that was there. It was quiet and beautiful here. The house was a bit out of the way from the next village.

Linda asked right away, "How are you doing? Are you continuing to make progress?" I took a deep breath and started talking about Conor, who was now on our boat. Linda was silent and listened to me first and that was good, because I could tell her how I felt about it and that it hurt me a lot. Of course, I also told her about what Emelie had told me, that it would give me time to rest, but that is easier said than done. Inside it hurt me very much. When I finally finished, Linda asked me, "So what are you going to do now?" I just shrugged my shoulders and said, "What else can I do but keep trying to face fear with God." "Oh," Linda said, "your thinking seems to be changing, because facing fear with God is a good way. Then you are not alone and He who is greater than all is with you, remember: He created the world. He has everything in his hands, including you!" "I know," I replied, "I keep trying to remind myself of that. But I notice how it's getting a little better each time. Can I ask you a few more questions? What did you do with your children when you went out to shine, because always to the neighbor, that is then also conspicuous."

Linda said: "I was thinking for a long time about how to do it with the children, but I had my mother there, who then always watched. She always said: God shines through you. I found that sentence beautiful. And yes, she was right. God always showed me when I should go out to shine and when I could stay at home. I could tell when I should go, sometimes I could tell by the weather, and I would always go. I didn't have to tell my kids about it, for them it was like I was going to work, but we didn't talk about it. My mother thought it was great with the kids and they were always happy when she came too."

We talked for a while and then I said to Linda, "I have to go now, I want to talk to my brother some more." And after that I went on my way home.

The conversation with John

John was already at supper with the others and so I waited to talk to him alone. It took a while because the 3 men had a lot to talk about before they got up. I still pulled John out onto the porch and we sat down. I started talking to him about this and that until I finally got to the point I really wanted to ask him. "I keep seeing how much trust you have in God! But where does this confidence in God come from with you? You sounded so sure when you prayed in the boat. I didn't have it, I was so scared by that storm, even though I was trying to trust God."

John said, "I had had the same situation as you, only a few years earlier. When I was on the sea with father and we had trouble getting back home. I didn't fall into the water, maybe that made it a little easier, but I was so afraid we wouldn't make it home that I clung to Father and started crying. Father had the wheel in his hand and he had all the trouble to steer the boat, nevertheless he had a hand for me again and again, with which he stroked me and said: God brings us home. You can count on it. He will bring us home. This sentence calmed me a little and I stopped crying. However, I still clung to his leg. I could tell it was hurting him at some point, but he didn't show it because he didn't want to worry me. I just noticed how, in spite of everything, he brought the boat home safely and said, I am so grateful to God that whenever we need it, there is a light on the forest beach. I told you, God is watching over us. Later I had asked him about it again, it was years ago and then he told me a sentence that I will never forget. Yes, God always brings us home and if it is not in this port, then it is at home with Him. This sentence amazed me and I needed a while until I finally understood it: Because my heart also needed it to process this experience and build trust in God differently. I think it was about 5 years. That's why I told you: take as much time as you need. I never brought it up with Father again and when I finally did, he was home, home with God. You know, he didn't come back that one night. It had comforted me and mother very much to know that and I thought you felt the same way.

I thought of Father, how he used to leave in the morning and give me a kiss beforehand and say: my little girl, God is there and accompanies you. And that always reassured me. But when he didn't come back I didn't know what to do. "I still miss him," I said, "and no, I didn't have that thought. I always missed the way he had said goodbye to me in the morning. It had taken me a long time to not miss it so much. Sometimes I still imagine it. And then I still hear him say this sentence: "God is there and accompanies you. It always feels good."

"I miss him sometimes, too, but I know that we will see him again with God, and that comforts me a lot. And yes, Father is right: God is there and accompanies us because He loves us. You see, God had given us the strength to pull you out of the water and the lamp that he gives us from the forest beach was also there, he led us home. I am always grateful to him for that, father had also taught me that. Be grateful for what God gives you. Look at the things he does for you, that he always lets us catch enough fish so that we have enough. We have a nice little house, a mother who takes good care of us and a sweet little girl who always greets us so joyfully when we come home. Father always showed me what I could be thankful for and through that I learned to trust in God more than looking at other things. I would sometimes try to beat him to it and tell him what we could be thankful for this time.

When he died I was grateful that I could practice it with him. It helped me a lot. Maybe it will help you too, think about what you can be grateful to God for every day."

In my mind, I kept repeating the phrase, "Think about what you can be thankful to God for every day.

We sat on the porch for a while longer, thinking about Dad and what it was like when he came back home. I leaned on John and he took me in his arms. Then we sat like that for a while.

Saying Thank You

The next morning I went back to Emelie and told her what John had said to me and she suggested that we start each morning by saying what we were thankful to God for, what had been yesterday. We were silent for a while and were thinking about what had been yesterday. Emelie said, "I am thankful to God that Miriam was in a good mood yesterday and that my husband came home safely. What about you? Did you think of something?" "Yes," I replied, "I thought of something, I'm thankful to God for talking to my brother and that we keep meeting." (That I was thankful for meeting Linda at her home I concealed). "Let's write it down so we don't forget and don't always say the same thing," I said. Emelie got out a notebook and wrote it down. Thank you book to God she wrote on it in big letters. A few days later we realized that it wasn't so easy to keep writing new things down, because our days didn't change much. But it was important to us and we also realized that it is also important to be thankful to God again and again that we had each other and that Sam and John came home well, even if it was repetitive. It did us good and so it gave us joy. Slowly I noticed some things changing in my life and I looked more at where I could be thankful to God for. Emelie felt the same way.

The sunset

I looked several evenings to see if Linda was back at the forest beach, but I didn't run into her. I also didn't want to just go by her place. We had not made an appointment and so I had to look every evening at least whether she came by. Then finally after a week she was back. We set up the lamp and she said, "Come let's move it a little further forward to the water today." I said, "Yes," wondering about my quick response and hoping we wouldn't go too far to the water. Linda noticed my hesitation and said, "We can't go too far to the water with the lamp."And I breathed a sigh of relief. Every step we took toward the water made me hesitate, but I went along.

"So, now we're here. This is a good place to set up the lamp," Linda then said. We were still a few steps away from the water. I was about to turn and leave when Linda said, "Stay a little longer and watch the beautiful sunset." I turned around standing two steps behind her and she was right, it was a beautiful sunset like I always enjoyed on the sea. Linda did not talk, but also just looked at the sea.

After a while she said, "See it's getting better and better, you even ventured up to here and looked out to sea." "Yes, but only because we put the lamp here," I said. Linda said, and you're enjoying the sunset and the sea as usual. I nodded. But stood very still so that I didn't get any closer to the water. I noticed how I became calmer and calmer and looked at the water. No, I am afraid, no, I want to leave. I just stood still and enjoyed this time. When the sun was almost gone I said goodbye to Linda and went home. I didn't want to stop there in the dark and I knew Linda didn't need my help anymore.

When I lay in bed in the evening, the pictures of the sunset came back and I also enjoyed seeing the pictures of the water. This time I didn't have any bad dreams and I woke up in the morning quite calmly. I noticed how it slowly led me back to the water and I went to the forest beach in the morning. Linda was long gone only her tracks were still visible and I saw how far I had gone towards the water. It was so warm that I took off my shoes and walked a bit along the beach. Far enough away from the water, but I caught myself, how I went nevertheless piece by piece further to the water. The water was calm and I went back again.

No, feet in the water, that's too far. But something urged me and I went a little closer. My feet got a little wet from the water and it felt good. I then went back to my shoes, looked at the water one more time, and then went home. I was happy, but also wondered why I had the courage to go that far?

Walking on the beach with Emelie

At home I didn't tell anyone about my progress, not even Emelie or Linda when I met them again in the evening. She just asked, "Well, how did you do after last night? Today the sunset is not so beautiful, do you still like to stay here with me and put the lamp in the same place as yesterday?" I hesitated a little, but then said yes. The sea does look a little different in the dark. We put the lamp back in the place where we had put it the night before and I stayed there with it for a short while, but then went right back home. The next evening Linda came a little later and I waited for her. Again no sunset, which was beautiful, but only clouds that darkened the sky. I wasn't entirely comfortable standing here waiting, but I knew Linda was coming today and I wanted to be there. She came too. A bit in a hurry, but cheerful as always. We set up the lamp again further back because it was faster there and because, as she said, she wanted to try it out if I would go there with her. She would have taken advantage of the sunset. I'm glad it worked out, she said. "How are you doing with us being so far ahead again yesterday, even though the weather wasn't so good?" she asked me. I wasn't very talkative, it was the weather. But I tried to give her an answer. "With the beautiful sunset, it was nice and pleasant to stand there, but yesterday and today I find it difficult in this weather." After that, I left.

The next morning I went to the beach again, as the weather was nice and I wanted to see if it was just the one day I had ventured this far into the water. I took off my shoes and walked a good distance along the beach. This time I wasn't tempted to put my feet in the water, as it had gotten colder and the sand already felt cool. But I was satisfied that I could walk on the beach today as well.

The next time I was with Emelie and the weather was pretty good we went to the forest beach together. To take advantage of the days before the weather gets worse said Emelie. This time we walked along the beach together and Emelie was amazed that I didn't stop at the edge of the forest. "Nice, then our prayers have already made a difference" she said full of joy. And we walked along the beach for a while.

Despite progress doubts

In the evening I met Linda again. This time I told her that I had dared to go for a walk on the beach with Emelie and she was also happy about it and said: "Nice, then God hears our prayers and that feels good to know. And I think that your longing to come back to the sea is still there and that is good. Tell me how you felt that evening and morning when you saw the beautiful sunset." I told her about my dreams that kept taking me to that sunset and that I thought it was beautiful. I went on to say that in the morning I then went to the beach and walked on the beach and, I faltered a little because I didn't want to tell anyone yet: and I was in the water with my feet, which was good for me. Linda was happy about it and said, "That's great progress. You'll get through the rest if you keep trusting firmly in God."

Yes, but what if I get into a situation like that again, or even worse, don't come back from the sea at all like my father? What if because the fear comes up in me again I don't do what needs to be done and so we get into danger? What if I don't make it back to the sea at all, but just stay on land? Many questions came to my mind and I realized how insecure I was.

Linda listened quietly to my questions and was silent for a while at first. My questions were still there and we stood there in silence. I waited for Linda to say something, but she didn't. Thoughts went back and forth in my head. All of a sudden Linda said, "What does your heart say? Do you trust God to make you brave and that you can go to sea calmly like my husband or John? Or even like your father. Without that serenity and the thought that God will bring them home again they can't go out to sea either. God promises us that He will bring us to our destination at His home. We should rely on that in every situation in life and not look at circumstances but trust."

"But so many questions keep coming up, and I don't know how to deal with them. What will I do if I can't go out to sea anymore, how will I earn my money? I want so much for God to take this fear away from me, now and not so slowly, it's so hard to wait for him and my question remains why he didn't bring my father home. I often only ever see myself asking for something, but so little happens. God says ask and it will be given to you. How often have healings happened, not only by Jesus, but also by his disciples or even by Paul. Why doesn't that happen when I ask him?"

Linda: "Does it matter what happens then? Or do you want to leave it up to God? How often are we full of expectations and then see again and again that these expectations are not fulfilled. Isn't it more important for God to act and for something to be accomplished through your actions? Why do we always limit God by always expecting this or that to happen. Isn't it more important that we let God act, because he knows exactly what is good at this moment, what is good for man. Expect him to help you overall, to guide you step by step. Because he knows your pace, which you have to go, so that you can get back on the boat and overcome your fear and trust him completely in the next storm. Like my husband who always says, God will bring us home again, don't worry about it, he will lead us home again. Trust in God and let him lead you. Let him take the time so that you can go out again trusting in him. And then you can enjoy the rides too, no matter what the weather is."

I said nothing to that. I had to let those thoughts go through my head first. Time to overcome fear with God, He knows my pace. Expecting Him to do the right thing and me to go back to sea, strengthened in Him. These thoughts would not let me go. They stirred me up. There were always questions that contradicted this in my thoughts and then again the sentences from Linda. Let God take his time, give him space, how often had I heard it and said yes to it, but at the moment it all took me much too long and there was no end in sight, but only: I don't want to go to the beach in bad weather. And that despite the progress I had made. I also went to the beach with Linda, even though the weather was not so good. But I suppressed that at that moment because I was so busy with my thoughts. How much more time did I need? How long, how long? This thought wouldn't let me go and only made me feel more desperate.

Linda could tell I had a lot of things going through my mind. The only sentence she said was, "Trust in God our wonderful Daddy who loves us and is with us no matter where we are." I just thought, how am I going to get there someday. I stood on the beach with Linda for some more time and we were silent. Then I went back home.

Thank God for Conor?

The next morning I went to Emelie again, but she didn't have much time. She just asked, "Can you watch Mirjam tonight? We just wanted to go out for dinner." I said, "Yes, what time should I be there?" "If it suits you 6:00 p.m.," Emelie said. "Well I'll be there then," with that sentence we said goodbye and I went home. My mother saw me and asked, "How are you? I hope you're not too sad about Conor." "No," I answered. I didn't want to talk at that moment and went to my room. But she had hit the exact point that worried me. How am I going to make it so quickly that Conor doesn't settle in too much and maybe not leave at all? At that moment, a thought crossed my mind that I would have preferred to push right back out, but it wouldn't let go. Thank God for Conor, for representing you on the boat right now. That was such a challenge, I didn't know what to do. But that thought wouldn't let me go. Give thanks for Conor. I was so upset that I went to my mom and approached her, "I have a thought I can't shake: I should thank God for Conor for representing me on the boat. But I don't know how, I can't do it somehow. I need your help, Mam, because I don't know how." We sat down at the kitchen table and my Mam said, "Let's just pray, talk to God about it, it's a beautiful thought." She started praying, she talked naturally, like she was talking to her dad. I thought it was beautiful, I didn't know it like that from her.

"Papa, thank you for always being there, I love being around you, it's so nice. Papa, you see the thought you gave Jo, I know you help her, I know that with you everything is possible, because you are my Papa, my God. I've been through so much already with you and ...." She then prayed some more, then she was quiet and we sat together in silence for a while. I somehow didn't want to say that sentence and on the other hand I did want to say it. I took a deep breath and then I said, "God, I want to thank you. Thank you that I am your child. Thank you, (one deep breath) I thank you, (one more deep breath) that Conor is there helping out on the boat. Thank you for giving me this time now." Tears were streaming down my face, but I was fine. I noticed that I was calmer because Conor was now going out to sea with my brother. My mom took me in her arms and said, "He already knows how to help us." Yes, I just said and leaned against her.

Looking after Mirjam

Tonight I had to go to Emelie's and I was looking forward to it. It was challenging, but also nice to watch Mirjam. When we were at the forest beach it worked out, why shouldn't it work out now. So I went to Emelie and we clarified everything, what if and when could be. I noticed that it was hard for Emelie and Sam was also a little excited, but they were looking forward to this evening. I kept telling Emelie: it'll be okay, we'll work it out, don't worry so much and if need be I can call you. "You'll do that, won't you?" Emelie was so excited that I almost had to push her out the door. They then drove off as well. So, I said to Mirjam, now we have time for each other. We played for a while, just like on the forest beach, and then it was time to give her her bottle. She didn't take it from me at first, it took a while and then I remembered that Emelie always holds it a certain way. When I did that she started drinking, falling asleep. I noticed that just when I held her the way Emelie did, she became calmer. And then the thought came to me that if God deals with me in a certain way, then I will also become calmer. Then I realized that my dad, God, knew me so well and how loving he is to me. He knows how to help me and he also sent Linda my way so that I could overcome my fear with her help, and I marveled at him. I carefully stroked Mirjam's head and I watched her as she slept in my arms. How calm and secure she felt. Secure, when did I do that with God? I think hardly, because I was much too busy with many things or asked him for this or that. But safe, that became clear to me only now, so like Mirjam with me now in my arm, so safe I may be with God. I pressed this small child carefully against me and noticed how I allowed God, my dad, this also slowly. I noticed how I also became calmer because of many things that went through my mind and now I knew what my mother meant: being safe with our dad, God.

I enjoyed this time with Mirjam and when Emelie and Sam came back I missed holding this little child in my arms. It showed me how God is as a father/dad and that he misses us even when we are not with him. With this thought I went home and I couldn't fall asleep at first. Therefore, I took out the Bible and with this thought I tried to read the passages that God showed me. And I understood how much God loves us. So much so that even Jesus Christ died for us because He wants us to be with Him.

Off to the boat?

The next morning I got up and went to John and said, "I just want to go with you to the boat today and see how far I get." He looked at me in amazement and said with joy, "Yes, I'd love to! How nice come let's go." And the four of us walked towards the boat. I hadn't walked the path to the dock in a long time, but I was pleased and happy, and I realized that I was a little scared, but still went along with them. When we arrived at the boat I felt agitated but satisfied. Because I knew my God is with me. He is there watching over me and leading me the way to Him in everything I do. I didn't make it onto the boat today, but I was proud of God my Father for how far He had brought me. I waved to the others as they left and went home secure in God. That did me so much good because I hadn't had that in a long time. When I got home, my mother immediately asked me, "Well, how was it? Did you go all the way to the boat?" "Yes," I answered, "and I felt good because I knew God was with me. If I made it this far with God, I will make it the rest with Him."

I was looking forward to visiting Emelie and telling her about it. When I arrived at her house, I immediately started telling her that I didn't mind much and that I felt secure in God when I was at the boat. Emelie was amazed at what I shared and asked, "And you weren't scared?" "Yes, a little," I said, "but I knew God was there and that did me good. When I was alone with Miriam yesterday, I finally understood what God means by - my child - and how much He loves us. He wants to be there for us, God wants us to just rely on him despite everything we encounter and take his promises seriously. For example, that his love will never stop, even beyond our death. And he wants us to trust him, just as Miriam trusts you now to take care of her and provide for her. That's exactly how we're supposed to trust God, too. I went to my dad back then with my broken teddy and trusted him to fix it and he did. I went to my dad when I had problems with my girlfriend or brother and trusted him to help me. And he always did. Well, some things he didn't get right, but with God it's different, if we trust him and give it to him, he'll take care of it and it'll be fine. Some things we don't understand, but it will be fine. Trust in God helps us to be okay and I finally understood that now. It's not so easy to understand. But God makes sure that if we really want to understand it, it will happen. I've raved enough about our God now, which I really can't do enough. But how was your evening last night?" Emelie shared that they had dinner together and then went for a walk and it was nice. They enjoyed their time together. Mirjam was fine too and that was important too. Sometimes Emelie would have liked to call, she said, but Sam said: if something is wrong Jo will call. And it was nice for Emelie to see that Mirjam was well when they got home. Yes, trust God, she said, you have to do that in so many situations, yesterday I realized that I should do that too and not worry so much. I should trust in God because of Mirjam.

We went to the forest beach together and played with Mirjam. After that I went home and so did Emelie.

Thanking God for the Light

In the evening I tried to meet Linda again, but she was not there. Today I just went to see her and she was happy that I visited her. We also talked for a while about how I was doing on the boat. She was happy to see how far I had come. She said: now, with God's help, you will also make the rest. I only asked her how, because up to the boat was not such a problem, but on the water? She said: if your trust in God has brought you this far, then you will also manage to go by boat again. I felt again as if the next mountain was in front of me and the success slowly faded. Linda said you don't have to be so impatient with yourself. She was right about that. After we had talked for a while I went home again.

The next morning I went to the boat again and I became calmer every time I went to the boat in the morning. It took a few more weeks until I dared to go on the boat and then some more time until I had made the first trip with the boat again. But it was then that I realized again how much joy I had in it and what passion God had given me for it and I could slowly understand my father and Linda's husband who said: God always brings us home and if it is not in this harbor, then it is home with Him. And I began to thank God for that.

The story will continue

in a few days